The red glare in the darkness is all she can see, the clock just now showing 12:00. Midnight. It’s Sunday now, the day she leaves. Tyler’s head is resting on her shoulder as he holds her, having fallen asleep holding her.

What will the future be like?

Her eyes fall on the laptop, sitting on top of a suitcase. It’s been in and out of the pile of things to go along with. Tyler had said, “Baby, it’ll be ridiculously outdated. Leave it.” But the laptop just had too much in it to leave behind. “Besides,” she had said, “the Free Council will be around longer than those who wish us ill. Someone will be able to help me retrieve the data. And might be interested in old tech.” He had sighed, shook his head, and balanced it on top of a suitcase.

I hope Dell will be alive, so I can explain. I hope she understands why I did it. That I didn’t want her to be sad over me just appearing to vanish into thin air, upset that her sister abandoned her. Better she hate me and be glad she doesn’t have to talk to me than to have another reason to feel like less of a person. Solaris too, he’d worry too much. And Rafi. I hope they understand.

She snuggles in closer, Tyler grunting softly in his sleep and shifting on their fouton. Sleep is still evading her, she can’t quiet the thoughts running through her head.

I hope that we picked stocks that will be good enough. We don’t even know what specific time frame we’re looking at to travel through. Lady watch over us.

She shuts her eyes for just a moment, and the next thing she knows, she is being gently shaken and the familiar voice of her husband is saying, “C’mon, Serenity. Time to wake up.”

“A-already?” She blinks, amazed that she managed to sleep through all the excitement.

He smiles at her softly. “Yes, already. Make the bed while I start moving everything to the Tower?”

She stretches lazily and begins to make the bed, folding the fouton up again. She knows this is silly, but that Go likes to keep a neat and tidy house. Even though this won’t be theirs in the future, she likes the ritual of making their bed.

Tyler takes her hand, gives it a reassuring squeeze and smiles “C’mon, time for the most precious cargo to go on through.” She laughs softly and walks through the portal, he follows behind.

Soon, the spells are cast and hung while Vorn leaves. In a few minutes, she knows that they’ll travel through time, to a future. A bright new future, full of new possibilities and new faces.

Tyler smiles at her, “I love you, Serenity.”

“I love you, too, Tyler.”

“Ya know, babe…no one is going to know why it’s so funny that you and I are in reality, Mr. and Mrs. White.”

She giggles, then nods, giving him a soft kiss on the cheek.

She feels something shift and knows that finally, she can start a family in relative safety.

 

 

Friday morning. Her dress was laid out, ready to go. It was one of those white prom dresses, on sale at some store in a mall. White and beautiful, with blue glitter at the bottom.

"Something new, something blue...."

She put the pearled tiara from homecoming the year before down beside it "Something old..."

She put a penny down on the bed on the other side of the dress. "There...something borrowed, and a penny for my shoe."

Now she was ready to go. Ready to go and get married.

For just a moment, she remembered how she had gotten to this point. Because after all, to forget the things that lead you to a point in time is to take away some of the value of what you have with you right now.

With a frown, she realized that Atticus, in some small way, had brought her to this point. The arrogant, violent, insane man she had once been engaged to. Had he not left her, she would likely be packing to marry him instead of Go. But because the timing had been wrong...or maybe because it had been right. Either way, the thought that somehow, Christian had anything to do with her current state of complete bliss bothered her, and so she pushed it from her mind and went to find her shoes.

It's the song meme again!

I'd say "pick one of my PC's" but I only do the LJ thing for Bell Dandi.

So, pick a song that you want to see an entry done to. There's been a LOT going on with my PC that I haven't put here, so I *may* just use the song and not write an entry about our PCs (if this will make you very upset, let me know and I'll try to do the entry with both the PCs)

Comment away. :)

Everyone is going on about the Path of Wisdom. We're all good people. We want to save those who have fallen. Help heal them. Bring them around. I know. I've been that way for a long time. Wanting to help, to heal. Everyone can be saved, everyone healed. If you just have the patience. If you just dig deep enough, you find the good. The true. The beautiful.

And then the veil was pulled off my eyes and I saw the world for what it is. Dark. Ugly. Full of lies. Full of the Truth screaming as loud as it can under layers of filth and so very few even try to listen. Those of us that do, that strive to be better never getting anywhere as words are twisted. People like Papa Twilight and Elias who smile, twist the words around, levy accusations that are full of partial truths. Sometimes even out-right lies.

People like Smoke. Twisted, disgusting wastes of humanity that only cause pain and suffering. That try to act like a civilized person and just fail. Who don't want to change. Who don't want the help.

But we follow the Path of Wisdom. We die for doing what's right. We are murdered in front of our friends. Or we are taken against our will and our bodies dropped back in front of people.

Go's told me not to be like the monsters, not to end up like those in the Guild. But it's hard. It's so very, very hard. I've never really known hatred before. I thought I hated Karas. I was wrong. I just don't like her at all. I didn't hate the Seers that kidnapped me. I was terrified. I was angry. I was full of an intense dislike. But no, hatred is what I feel for Smoke.

I only pray I can see the right path to follow through the blinding pain of loss.

She was curled in a tight ball, knees hugged to her chest. The thin moonlight hit the skull she was staring at. Shrunken, covered with a layer of lead, inscribed with arcane symbols filled with emeralds.

A tear slid down her face.

Fabulous, I'll make sure someone pays for this. They've taken the powers of death, of deciding Fates into their own hands with no one to temper their decisions. They are bad. They are evil. I want them stopped.

She shuddered again as one of the only truly crystallized memories of Saturday flooded to her. Her looking and seeing Smoke. And the first initial wave of fear that always gripped her when she saw him. And then the intense desire to make someone die. The honest and deep desire to make someone die by causing them so much pain that their afterlife would be filled with the same agony. And she had shuddered all over, hating herself for thinking it.

She squeezed her eyes shut and took a few deep breaths. Sleep, you need to sleep so you can send out emails. And so you can pack to visit the Rev. Dr. Bazooka.

I'll be here to guide you if you need help.

Why was it that Guardians always seemed to be the most helpful of her friends? Aside from Go, the people she trusted most were Guardians. Or were Bale, who acted like one.

Highwayman, Algyz, Bale, Kat, Yoz, Scarecrow. The only other exception to mage she really and truly trusted at a deep level, that she felt like she had even footing with was Petty Cash.

And maybe Sunny.

She took a deep breath.

Even her father had been a police officer. There were always protectors around her.

If you trust in me, I will make sure your voice will be heard.

She did trust him. He was her friend. But why did it almost feel like making a deal with the devil?

A scream ripped through the woods. Followed by another. Then another. And another. Getting more and more hoarse as her throat became raw.

Finally the tears came, silent and coursing down her face. She couldn't even whisper, "Goodbye, Jimmy. You were one of the last good ones left in our Order."

The airplane was taking off, a bright early morning sun shone down on her. An empty seat beside her where Nathan should have been. Someone, maybe her cousin Diana...or was Diana her niece. She could never really remember, had offered to travel with her.

I should have paid attention to what she was saying...but it was too big of a mess. Too many people. Too much to do.

She shut her eyes against the memory of the needle in his arm, the twitching convulsions of the overdose as her biological father tried to kill himself with the substance that had, ultimately, been responsible for the death of the man she saw as her real father.

Fucking coward. I can't blame Sally for giving it to him...I almost wish she'd shot him. I hate him. For what he's done to me, to Val, to Sally, to his cabal, his other kids...but most of all to Dell. Sweet, innocent, mostly insane Dell.

She had considered strangling Lachesis's brother when he interrupted her milkshake marathon. The one she never had finished. Though, truth be told, she had also considered strangling Lachesis or Elias for bothering Nathan. Or just for being arrogant, self-centered slime balls. Not that it mattered, neither of them spoke to her much anymore. Made keeping her promise to Go easier.

She drifted off, her nap full of floating images that were so hazy she couldn't hang onto them when she woke up.

Once safely back at Skattach's house, she found that she could in fact drink five milkshakes in a row before she threw up and that Go never tired of her company even if she wasn't in the best of moods.

I don't know why I'm making peanut butter fudge. I should pack. Or study. Or do homework. Or fish for more information. Or look for someone to make Chloe's new pace maker. Or visit Go. Or do a billion other things.

But I'm making fudge. For one of my best friends. Because without her, the sleep over I've never had with her and Viola turns into me stuffing my face full of ice cream all alone. Because her heart is fucked up and I'm scared and I'm too scared to start looking for someone to build her a magic-proof pace maker and fudge is easy.

You can't kill anyone by making fudge. If it turns out wrong, you start over and nobody dies. No promises get broken. You just do it over and it'll turn out better the next time.

So life isn't a box of chocolates, because no one dies if you bite into a coconut cream by accident.

I'm holding on by a few threads. I hate the Land of Mein/State College/My Consilium. I mean yeah, I like Bale and Kat and Yoz. Book...Book tries, but he's a little...a little not seeing a problem with the dead being raised.

I just can't make myself really deal with Fame or Al. Al's like a Verit replacement who's fifty times lazier and not nearly as fun to hang out with. Fame...well he's in the Free Council. Which, I can barely deal with.

I've watched democracy make things worse, fuck things up, get derailed and not really get the whole way back on the rails. It shouldn't DO that. Democracy should be seeking the Truth...not...making shit worse. I mean, I suppose if the Truth is "This will amke things worse, one single idiot can fuck everything up, you're better off having someone who can just point and go 'You, go there do this. You, shut up, you're making things a billion times worse just to be a douche.'" And who the fuck can I tell? Everyone outside the Free Council will pat me on the head, tell me I'm learning and try to talk me into leaving. Everyone inside will just yell at me. I've seen what happens when you doubt...things get ugly for you fast.

I mean, I'll talk to Go about it...I know I can trust him. But Bale? Bale would just freak out. Highwayman...he's my friend, but he's also a Guardian. You don't tell Guardians shit like that about your Order and expect it to stay just between the two of you. Petty Cash I bet I could trust...Or Phoenix. NixNix would understand.

I just want to leave the crazy stinking shithole I'm stuck in and never have to deal with it again. I mean, I literally get HEADACHES listening to Karas talk for too long.

Sleep came in fits and spurts if she was at home with a friend or her mother. Not at all if she was alone. She'd never be caught sleeping again by Seers. Die before she was taken again.

Running to Los Angeles, to the Lakeshrine, to Go every night just wasn't an option. She had a mother, friends, a cabal to worry about. The Consilium needed help and Bale was generally the only Heirarch fit to lead and he often called on her for help.

The Severed Heart cabal, good or evil, was coming again. Their enemies, good or evil, would fight them. Things would fall apart quickly.

And Viola was dead, her cousin. Her friend. Ripper, Saice, Guild assassins. Vi had mentioned all three as being after her. She couldn't very well order Argent to find out if he didn't have any leads. Maybe Yoz would look into it once he found out his niece was dead.

Sleep, still elusive, fluttered in the back of her head, taunting her, teasing her, seducing her to fall into its arms. She ached to call a friend for help but was determined to not be the frigthened child, afraid of falling asleep in the dark, alone.

As tears began to prick at her eyes, she finally picked up her phone, punched a few buttons and murmured, "Love, I'm scared and I can't sleep...please help me."

Sleep is hard to come by anymore. I don't sleep at home if I'm the only one there anymore. Not since I saw Malignos still alive. The fate threads looked different, but the face was the same. There's always been one. Our history records show it. Always a Malignos. I can't live in this place much longer if he will always be here.

I've been crying again, dreaming about my daddy. Those monsters "resurrected" him. Took his body, mended it somehow, apparently shoved a spirit inside of it to animate it. And he hugged me, called me Ren, was so happy to see me. And I didn't know what to do. I knew it was an abomination, a sick abuse of power. But somewhere inside of me, I just wanted my daddy. But mom killed him and Reilly burned the body for us. That's a good friend. The one that burns the body of your resurrected father without asking any questions, without expecting any explanations, even if they already heard about the crazed maged resurrecting the dead. That, and Reilly doesn't think I'm perfect. That I can be mean and petty and vicious like everyone else doesn't bother him. I should hang out more with him.

There've been a few nightmares. Never when I sleep on Go's fouton. But if I'm sleeping at home, even though I know my mom is home or I've talked a cabal mate into crashing on the floor in my room. I'm going to start hanging Supernal Fire so that if anyone harms me while I sleep, they get a nasty surprise. It won't help me sleep, but it will help if he gets another pylon and decides to come for me again.

I know that hate is a kind of poison, but I hate Malignos.

Meeting tonight. God I hate the nights we have meetings anymore. Can't stand the sight of a Heirarch that thinks he hears Fate telling him to murder, to kill. Can't take listening to Karas whine over and over. Making good points, but destroying them with her whining, her bitching, her martyrdom.

And Wednesday. Was it Wednesday? I saw him. I was having a little party at my house. Petty Cash came. Solaris came. Mr. Simmons showed up, too. And Go popped in. God it was good to see him. I had been so worried. But he came to say that Arthur had disappeared, that he was looking into it. And I was left at home again. Again to wait, to wonder, to worry.

And tonight after the meeting, I'll call him. Pray he answers his phone and gets me. Pray that he's all right. Pray he isn't dumb enough to take stupid risks. Pray he listened when I talked about the respledent order.

By late tonight, if all goes well, I should be back in his arms.

My life is generally full of insane people.

My house almost burned down late last week. Banisher cult. Resplendent Order of the Illuminated Vision (ROIV, for short) in fact. Still working on fixing all the damages. Heirarchs still mostly crazy. Gamble stepped down, but Tobin, Mr. The Voice in My Head Tells me to Kill Shit, is still a Heirarch. Bale is sane, though. Sane and great, thank God. I wish he was my daddy. Like for real.

Almost died Saturday. Well...not like "Grenade in my car! WTF?!?!?!?" kinda dying...but the "acting as support for two other people while taking on like 12 banishers" kind of almost dying. Scary, but got through it. Wanted to curl up in a ball afterwards after I shot one in the face by accident while throwing a gun that was jammed down in frustration.

Oh, and my "real" dad is crazy. Not like "his name is just Crazy Bear" but like...man is OUT of his fucking mind. Apparently, if I don't do exactly what he says, I don't love him. I'm 17. I'm old enough to decide who I do and do not want to talk to. I appreciate warnings, but not orders. I appreciate advice, but not commands. I did get the fun of watching Dell happily fetch him beer...saw that on the main chat room.

Which, somehow, brings me to person number 2 that's a staple in my life that's NOT actually insane. That'd be Go. Who Bear accused me of "running around with" behind his back. OK..yeah...so maybe I am seeing Go. Maybe it's none of Bear's business. Maybe the important part is that he makes me happy, keeps me sane, and is just great in general.

I should go round up the small number of sane people and buy an island somewhere far, far away before I lose my mind, too.

Go was holding her close to him, kissing her. She was laughing softly. Fireworks exploded in the background, all bright colors and sharp, crisp BANGS. And then her mother was yelling at her...pushing her.

Her eyes flew open and her mother was yelling, pushing her out of bed. An explosion followed by the roar of fire ripped through the living room. Hope pressed a finger against her daughter's lips, silencing her, ignoring the fear widened eyes looking up at her.

Bell had seen angry Arrows before. But she had never seen something quite so terrifying in its fury as an angry mother protecting her house and her daughter. Bell, shaken to the core by the next "whooooosh" quickly Forged a Destiny on her mother, followed immediately by a Godsend. She gave herself the same treatment before she crept down the stairs behind her mother, gritting her teeth against the pain the Paradox backlash had caused. Men in masks were outside their house, throwing fireballs in, the living room windows had shattered from the heat. Thor was cowering behind the sofa, growling at the intruders even as he shivered.

Nurse gently put a hand on Bell's shoulder, signalling her to stay put. Knives came out as she made her way to the door, keeping to the shadows so as to avoid detection and a direct hit with a spell. Bell whispered in High Speech, supressing a shaking sob as the memory of the last time men in masks had come to her house as she reached across to the Supernal, calling down a Swarm of Locusts. Bats, rodents, insects all swarmed the area, causing confusion to the men casting, ceasing the fireballs and giving her mother extra cover. She grit her teeth again and prepared to cast a Doom, making her mother the Doom of any who were actively intending them harm. Her mother ducked out the door, knives flashing in the moonlight.

Bell pulled her knees to her chest, shaking almost uncontrollably in fear. She heard sirens approaching. Police and firemen had been called by concered neighbors, having witnessed the fire crackling in the cold night. Her mother returned shortly before the firemen did, gently leading Bell out of the house. The flames licking at their house were quickly put out. Their house was still standing, though it needed some work. Statements were taken. She agreed that it was vandals, a random attack. She thanked her lucky stars that no one asked about the strange animal behavior, it was as if they were able to just accept that it had in fact happened, that sometimes odd things occured and they had let it go.

Her mother assured the worried police officers that they would sleep at a hotel that night. Bell, still trembling looked meaningfully at her mother, who nodded to her. Once the police left, she flipped her phone opened and called Go, voice still shaking and weary, "Please come get me..."

Nurse smiled at her and stroked her daughter's hair. "It'll all be OK, angel-baby. I promise."

She nodded her head warily and went to the back patio to wait.

She collapsed on the bed, exhausted. The shifting in time zones always made her ache for the gentle touch of sleep and she was too stubborn to use magic to try and adjust her own sleep cycles if it wasn't necessary. The phone rang near her hand and she groaned and picked it up, not bothering to see who it was.

Her voice was upbeat when she answered "Moshi moshi?"

The voice on the other end sent a wave of relaxation and peace through her. "And a fond muchy mushy to you too, baby." Just talking to Go made her relaxed and happy, and she promised to make a night without too much schoolwork to go see him. I'll just do a bunch on Monday and maybe let some things slide a little...C's are still passing.

A few hours later, she was sinking into a deep sleep...

The view from the London Eye was amazing, the entire city stretching out underneath of her, out up to the valley, around the river. Behind her, she could  hear something wet and sucking, felt something damp and slimy crawl up her back. She turned and there was a mass of black ichor, coming at her. A scream tore out of her throat as she panicked and stepped out of the glass of the Eye.

Behind her, it blinked, the wet surface of the eye parting to allow the black mass after her. She ran, falling, falling, falling as she ran. The goo dropped onto her, covering in it's cold, wet mass. She curled up in a tight ball, eyes squeezed shut against the probing tendrils.

And then light was piercing through. All she could think was "Am I dead?". Warm, strong hands pulled her up. She felt lips pressed to her forehead. Go was in front of her when she opened her eyes, smiling at her even as she saw the look of relief wash over his face.

"Oh thank God, baby, I thought I'd never see you again."

"Y...you saved me...again."

This time his smile was genuine. "No I didn't, baby. I just cut you loose. Your strength kept you safe, I just helped a little."

She woke up to a beam of light shining through her blinds onto her face, the alarm playing music. She hopped out of bed, for once having had a dream of the black stuff chasing her and still feeling like she slept instead of fought something all night. Knowing that even in her nightmares she was stronger kept the bounce in her step as she left her house.

Today is a beautiful day.

Go re-met my mom. It...it went well, actually. No one tried to poison anyone else. There was minimal yelling, and only when Go thought he'd be clever and tease me in front of mom about how it's good he hadn't asked her permission to marry me. I should have warned him that after living with me for seventeen years, Mom developed a good B.S. detector. So, she asked if he was planning to, and...well...it went well.

I dunno if she is going soft like she thinks she is (Thank you, Nathan) or if she actually likes Go or if his apparent lack of fear of her just made a good impression. Or maybe she saw what's there. He was even able to answer "Why do you want to marry my daughter" far more coherently than just a simple "I love her." He talked about how our souls we already entwined so tightly he didn't think they could get any closer, so he wanted to sanctify that with marriage. She didn't even flip out when it was mentioned it wouldn't be a Catholic wedding.

I'm so blessed.

The bacon is sizzling, almost done. The gravy for the biscuits is staying warm. Soon the biscuits will be done and I'll make the eggs, and then I'll wake him up. But right now, in the quiet before he's up I can think back to yesterday. To the insanity that was the Consilium meeting, the grenades being tossed into my car, the Silver Collective getting furious with all of us because Toban is like an excited five year old in a candy shop and can't stop from touching things he probably shouldn't have. But now I'm rested, I'm relaxed. I've gone through my morning routine, watched Go grumble when I slid out from under his arm to go outside to exercise.

He made last night perfect. Coaxed out of me what was bothering me without going into a near mental breakdown because I had been in real danger. He worries for me, reminds me to stay safe, but he trusts me to do all I can to keep myself safe. No burdens of having to avoid every single one of life's scratches to keep him appeased. And then he opened a portal to the deck of an Alaska cruise ship, because he figured he couldn't get me for two solid weeks to take the cruise.

I wish I could describe in words what the Northern Lights are like. Delicate ribbons of pastel lights dancing high up in the cold, clear sky against all the twinkling stars. I don't think I've ever seen anything more beautiful, more ethereal, more magical. He held me close to him, gently stroking my back as we talked about whether it was science or magic that created the beauty we were seeing. We didn't get very far into the talk, though, his kisses were distracting and I really just wanted to be there with him. And he told me that he had wracked his brain to find something beautiful enough to merit the attentions of an angel.

And right now, I can hear him stirring, starting to to wake up and smell that I'm cooking our breakfast. When he finally pulls himself out of bed, he'll be here, arms around me and face buried in the back of my neck, whispering my name. The way he says "Serenity" makes a little shiver run up my back every time he says it. It sounds like a prayer, like a plea, like worship and adoration all wrapped up into one single word. And when I say his name, it sounds the same.

I don't want to have to go home again, though I know I will. I want to stay here, by his side. Instead of showering me with gifts and empty words, I'm showered with love, affection, respect, and trust. But for right now, I don't worry about what I want to do later, for now, I listen to him walking closer to me, feel him slide his arms around my waist and bury his face in my neck to whisper, "Good morning, Serenity."

There's something terrifying and freeing about admitting that someone you loved with all your heart is unpredictable, violent, and likely unstable. That he is an Oathbreaker.

What was hard was having to think about how large a danger I think he is and telling Mae. He's not nearly as unstable as he was a month or so ago, so I was able to truthfully tell her that I didn't think he's a danger to the rest of the Awakened. I also reminded her that he's got a Consilium who should be able to deal with that if he did become psychotically dangerous. But a little part of me wonders just how dangerous he actually is. He's made mention of now not "being a good time to anger him" like he's some sort of lofty ruler, or I suppose some sort of spoiled child (Ironic, I know, as I've been called that one myself so many times). And then suggested that should someone raise his ire, he'd just kill them. That's....that's just not normal. Or rational. Or sane. I'm worried Luci and Owls may have fixed one problem only to have more show up or get worse. But if I go to them, I know what I'll look like. Like the psycho ex who wants to slander the man who hurt her. And it won't get him any help, or I'd do it anyway. But now I've learned that I can't help every person that might need help. He's a big boy, he can take care of himself. And Mae was right in her advice to keep him at arm's length.

At least I have plans for Saturday night. Plans that involve someone who doesn't make me wonder if they're going to fly off the handle and become violent if they get angry. And next weekend, I'll be in London at Dawn's baptism. I'm always moving forward, always pushing ahead past the bad shit. Thank God I'm able to.

It was thawing yesterday. I could hear the water dripping outside my bedroom window when I was doing my homework. I carried my coat out to the car when I headed to the gallery. It was almost like spring. OK, so it was only forty degrees, but it felt like springtime.

Like things in my life are coming to blossom. I have definite birthday plans now that involve Vegas. And I've been practicing saying "None of your goddamned business" for when the questions eventually start about my love life.

I've also come to realize that I sometimes very much dislike Kendra and Cai. Kendra says "I have my own cabal, I have a job, I have my own house." But then she just pops out with some of the stupidest, most childish shit. And Cai...my GOD that kid's fucked up. First, he asks for help with a Seer problem, which is a smart thing to do. Then, he starts describing what he needs, essentially using WoW classes and says he'll need a "full raid group." I have to explain to this moron that he needs to actually SAY what he needs, that practically no one will understand what he's asking for if he asks using WoW terms.Then, he said he liked it when there were raid drops...ya know, in reference to killing actual people. I get that they're Seers. I get that sometimes, they get killed. But they're still fucking people and you don't see the killing of people as a chance to "get shinies". I don't care how he meant it, that's pretty sick.

It was easily as disgusting as people suggesting that sometimes, it'd be OK to Duel (even used the Duel Arcane) to settle disputes where two women (or men) were fighting over a man (or woman...or whatever combination). In fact, I think the "people drop shinies" was more disgusting.

I need to start trying to pound into Kendra's head that she needs to grow up and that no one in the main room gives a shit about whether or not she's getting laid, how hot my cousin is, what she's doing in a computer game, or how badly she wants "friends with 'sprinkles'".